


U and I

by bluewalk



Series: 30_onepiece: Sanji [3]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-03
Updated: 2011-12-03
Packaged: 2017-10-26 19:36:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/287095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluewalk/pseuds/bluewalk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[#14 chivalry] <em>"… asdklj;" says Sanji.</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	U and I

“Hey babe, haven’t seen you around these parts. You new in town?”

Sanji looked up from where he was loading his latest shopping—a cartload of fresh produce and enough Mizu Mizu Meat to last Luffy at least a month of midnight snacking—onto the back of a parked Yagara Bull. He must have heard wrong because there was _no way_ this man with the unfortunate orange tan was hitting on him. Just _no way_ —right?

He straightened, dusting off the front of his trousers and vest, and fixed the man with a sharp look, the one he usually reserved for Usopp when Usopp was caught sneaking away with half his supply of black peppercorn in his bulging pockets. To say that the look promised slow, torturous disembowelment would be a gross understatement. “Excuse me?” he said, voice as chilled as his gaze.

Tragically, the man was not so easily deterred. He grinned and Sanji could see his perfect white teeth gleaming so bright that they were almost enough to distract him from the man’s hair, slicked back and sculpted with so much styling gel that Sanji was sure not even Aqua Laguna could shift one hair out of place.

“Are those space pants?” the man asked, swaggering forward, and Sanji could only think _oh god, this can’t actually be happening_ , before the man winked and leered, “Because your ass is outta this world.”

Nausea and panic hit him simultaneously, and he suddenly felt incredibly violated, like he would never be clean again. He wondered if he could get away with garroting the man with the heavy gold chain that hung obnoxiously around his neck. He wondered who on earth thought popped collars were an acceptable fashion statement. He wondered exactly how much self-tanner a person had to apply to achieve that kind of orange. He stood transfixed in horrified shock, and the man took this as an invitation to swoop in with another gallantly lecherous pickup line.

“Baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?”

A little voice in the back of his head, which sounded alarmingly like Usopp, was screeching, _shut down! shut down!_ and while Sanji would have liked nothing more than to knock himself out to escape the horror and humiliation of his current situation, he was deathly afraid of what the man would do to his unconscious body. He fought down the urge to vomit.

The creep was less than six inches away from him now, and Sanji could literally feel his eyes undressing him. “Somebody call the Marines, because it must be _il-legal_ to look that good.”

“I am going to be sick,” Sanji managed to grind out between his teeth. “So sick.”

“Fall into my arms, babe, but the best way to fall is in love with me.”

“… asdklj;”

  


“What is that man doing! Where are his hands going! Oh dear god, for the love of all that is pure—”

“That’s definitely sexual harassment.”

“Then what the hell are you doing just standing here?! And put on some goddamn pants first, woman!”

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted 06 August 2011
> 
> Is the man a guido? Are there guidos in Water 7? Is nowhere sacred?

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Chinese translation on "U and I"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/398127) by [renata](https://archiveofourown.org/users/renata/pseuds/renata)




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